субота, 23. март 2019.

Part of the journey is the end

Just one walk by a river. One look across the city.

One beer with you. By the river. One coffee. A tea. One more time at the hoop.

Just another life advice from you. One casual talk, and one serious talk. One problem solved. One more challenge.

To sit by a river and watch it flow one more time. Alone. And with you. All of you.

One more drunken party. One more adventure. One more trip. Or at least, one crazy plan for a trip. A bottle of wine. A night out.

One kiss with you. First kiss. Last kiss. One hug. To grab your hand one more time. One kiss at the cheek, one kiss at the forehead and at your hand and shoulder.

To realize I loved you again, and feel that from you again.

One more talk before a sleep. One more argument with you. One more walk to a different part of  a city to grab a lunch. One last meal with you. To feel the smell of your hair.

A bowl of popcorn.

Pointless card game.

To watch another basketball game.

To enjoy at your company. And at silence with you. Beside you. One talk on the phone with you. One text. One tear. Mine and yours.

To feel you.

To sleep like I slept when I was a boy..

One last time..

Give me that.

среда, 13. март 2019.

Farewell to the world

What really hurts are the things you will never get to say.

Some words only have a value at the specific moment. When you miss on the chance of saying them, you will regret it forever. Even if you do get a chance again, they could be not even close to being powerful enough as they could once be.

Maybe what is unspoken is similar to what is not done in our lives; when we have unfinished wishes, we regret them, we think about them and we feel sorry we missed our chance with them. The same goes for words- we are killing ourselves for not speaking, we recreate situations during which we were supposed to say those words, in our mind, at least, and we are hunted by those words until we move on.

It is easy to break things, easier than to build them. And good things do fall apart to make way for better things, right? But what is harder at times than building a thing is a moving on from a broken thing.

Such experiences are the source of important words we need to say out loud or be hunted by if not. Unspoken words are a whole in our chest that hurt us; that cripple us..

It is a hard thing to look at your broken effort. It is hard not to regret it, not to morn and not to speak about it. It is even harder to say out loud words that will never reach who you want them to reach.

Not always are we satisfied with the outcome of the effort. Not always are we satisfied with what we got after trying really hard for really long.

It is hard to take a journey and not get where you wanted to end up at.  But...

Part of the journey is the end.  

среда, 06. март 2019.

Lone survivor

There is no shame in being alone. Only the strong can bare being alone.

It is always much harder to form a relationship then to break one; it is always harder to build than to destroy something.

Why is it that people feel alone? Why is it that we have no person to be honest with, no one to talk to and no one to be vulnerable in front of?

Are we giving up on people so easily that we are not able to bond and build strong relationship?

A room full of people could be as depressing as sitting alone in the dark. You could talk to a lot of people, you could be surrounded by as many people as you like, and still be terribly alone.

You can invest a lot in someone and get nothing in return. And you can keep investing and get nowhere. Such things will leave you alone and broken.

It is a terrible thing to speak but not be heard. It is a huge punishment to spend time with does who do not understand. And those who do not care.

It is a huge problem if you call a friend those that do not cure loneliness. We all need someone to share our being with, but often do we find ourselves in the darkness of solitude. Very often do we speak but our words are just a mute letters in a wind that are nowhere near of those that could possibly understand how terrible you feel.

It is a hard thing for a lone survivor to go to sleep; it is a hard thing to wake up in the middle of the night as night is a favorite companion of a solitary man's problems.

What are we if we have no one to be broken in front of and pieced together again?

Yes, there is no shame in being alone. There is no shame on you, at least.. But there is a lot of shame on those that left you alone like that..

среда, 27. фебруар 2019.

You could

You could do a thousand things right for a thousand times and still get nothing.

You could try, and you can fail no matter how hard you try. When you work hard- it does not mean you will be successful. It just mean that you will meet the requirements to be successful, but to actually secceed- it does not depend entirely on you.

You can try, sometimes, all you want, and you can still accomplish nothing. You can try the same thing all over again, with different people, under different circumstances, and still be nowhere near success.

You can be as good as it gets, as good as you should be and as honest as you could be, and you could still fail terribly.

You can be with people whole day long, and still be alone. People could pass by in your life, they can be there and you could be terribly alone. Alone in the dark of your mind.

You could love all you want and never fill how it feels to be loved.

You could listen all they long and never be heard, no matter how much you speak. Thing that are needed to be heard are often those that could not be said with word. Such thing, that come from your void, could only be heard by special people and it could take forever and, even, never, to find such people.

You could be as caring as you could be, and still be hurt.

You could scream all you can and still share no voice.  No voice that could leave your lips could ever be as loud as the screams in your head.

You could hope all you want and your hope could just be the thing that hurts the most. Those that hope are exposed to harm that comes when their beliefs do not pass reality check.

You could believe in something your entire life and be very, very wrong.

You could believe crossing a finish line is the end, but in reality, it could just be a beginning of a new, scarier race.

You could, you really could invest and get nothing.

That does not mean you should stop.

недеља, 23. децембар 2018.

Comfort of your chains

It is so easy to have beliefs- you wake up every morning and whatever happens, you have already decided what is right and what is wrong. But, to wake up every morning and decide what is right and what is wrong for that day, that takes courage.

Beliefs are mostly for the weak. For those that are scared. Consider this- being brave is not for the rich. It is for the poor. It is for those who have nothing, and yet choose to bring children to life, not knowing if they would have food to feed them, clothes to keep them warm or whether they would even be there to be their parents.

Indeed, we do, more or less, cling to something. We generally believe in something and we do something that defines us. We do need to have prepared answer to a question- "Who are you?", right?

Our beliefs chains us, and, just as important, our needs and responsibilities chain us. We go to school, we go to college. Then, straight from student's chair, we jump right into a workspace's chair. Because we are used to it. Yes, we do need to work, but do you believe in life after work?  Many just make an excuse of their responsibilities to avoid leaving our comfortable zone.

We stick to our chains because it is familiar. Change is scary, and known is safe. That is why we bind to any excuse we could possibly make up to change. That is why it is so hard to change beliefs and habits. We know them, like them or not, we do know them and they are good enough to us.

The same goes for bad long-term relationships, crappy jobs, laziness to go out, to travel, to even get a drink when the same TV show is on when we come home.

In a way, those chains make us who we are. Define us and answer said question about identity. That is the catch- it is just as scary not to know who you are, but are routines the answer?

Breaking such chains is scary. It leaves us without any idea what to do. And it is even more scary if you have big expectation of such a break.

If you were chained your whole life, finding excuses not to move, not to get up and do something, and you expect that everything will change once you are finally free, you will end up very disappointed. Breaking chains is hard and scary and takes a lot of strength, but knowing what to do when you are done with them is even harder. It takes time and knowledge to figure out what you are supposed to do and it can let you down. You have such expectations, you think that it is a big breakthrough and it will turn you life upside down, that such freedom will make you happy and, at the end, you are just alone in a storm of emptiness.

Take care of your chains. You need them. And if you think you don't, think hard of what you, really, deed.