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недеља, 16. децембар 2018.

Scared to be lonely

It is amazing what people would do to avoid loneliness. Most of us have been there- we hang to a bad relationship just to have someone to call at night, we hang out with insincere friends just to have someone to be seen with and we keep our social network profiles perfect to gain as much likes and engagements with others as possible.

This all is perfectly fine. We, as social beings, do need approval from others, we do need to feel wanted and, above all, we do need to be loved.

We do, however, find ourselves more often than not a little needy. We would take anything to comfort us, and we would often get used to such behavior. After all, we like when someone invests emotions in us, it just feels good.

Behind all of this stands, more or less, a fear. We do not like to be rejected- we hate when someone does not like us back, we hate when our friends wouldn't be there for us. We do fear to be lonely. There is no shame in that. Solitude is hard and not everyone, after all, can bear it.

But there is no shame in being alone. And only the strong can afford to be alone.



It takes courage to be alone. It takes courage to stop any kind of bad relationship with other people and just hold still until better one occurs. To be completely honest, it is really cowardly to accept any kind of relationship from someone you want so much more, just to have at least something with that person and not lose it. That is for the weak, that is for the cowards.

It is very, very hard to form strong and healthy relationship with someone, and is scary. It is scary because it is big. Deep things are scary- you have to work so hard to form deep relationship, and that can all go to waste as it is so easy for things to fall apart.

But that kinda is a point- you will appreciate more what you have with someone if you can just hang on. If you invest. If you do not settle. When you work hard, with or without fear, to gain what you deserve from others and offer the most you can. This defines a good friendship.

And if you look even further, when you tame some irrational, you will be in love, and it would go both sides, because you worked hard to be and to stay in love. 

субота, 15. децембар 2018.

Message in the bottle

Do you know your damage? We all are, indeed, damaged, but do you know yours? Do you know what had impact on you so strong that it defines you, that is your core..That devours you? Yeah, we do indeed all have our problems and most of the things we do is just a cooping with them, most of the things are just defensive mechanisms that are just cover up for our problems. That is, hands down, a truth, whether it is minor relationship problem or something huge, like family, or more specific, childhood problems.

When does it stop? I do think- it never ends. But that should not scare us. You could argue that having a problems that, more or less, cannot be solved is indeed scary. But, giving a time, people could learn to deal with it, and to control them. Or, if you are lucky, to just ignore them.

We see that all the time- childhood problems become irrelevant once we are able to start a family on our own, with ones that make up for everything we lacked years ago. We do heal we hearts broken by love and we can, at some point, find friends even though we were picked the last at the playground.

But this is not my focus for this text.



Just as often as people do cope well with problems, people could not be able to fix it. So, more often or not, we send some messages in the bottle. Do not try to cover up your problems- trying to be a different will only make you the same. We are all allowed to be ask for for a help, and, just as important, to provide a help when needed.

We all should be trying to be good at- empathy. It is crucial, that is what separates us from monsters. When flood overruns forest, there were situation that both wolf and rabbit were on the same stone, above water, not bothered by each other. That is a key, in a way. We all should practice empathy, we should try the understand why someone is sad and help when we can.

It is easy to forget that, and is easy not to do that. But you should, not just because one day you might need it, not even because you feel good, but simply, because we should.

So far, I have been lucky enough to have my sent bottles found. But I keep sending them. It is perfectly fine, someone will respond.

Do you send any bottles, and, do you respond to even one?

уторак, 26. јун 2018.

Damaged

We push it under the carpet.. We try to forget.. But it never forgets us. It follows us. Always.

We all look at them. We pass by them. We talk to them. And often, we ignore them. Or ignore damages  they have. Because it is easy . And it is faster. We choose not talk about it with them. We avoid to help them.  Because it is easy.
The very thing we ignore in them also resides in us.  Damage.

And we all are damaged. It is there. We may not know it. But it always affects our actions. We always adjust our actions according to damages we are trying to fix

Some damages are so deep, we cannot find them. Some are so in the past, we cannot undo them. But what follows us, defines us. It hunts us.

It affects our relationships, friendships, our decisions. We are just following our damage.

For those who are "strong", gut decisions come from damages. Those are the people who do everything to fix what damaged them- bad childhood, bad parenting, no friends.. Such people would institualize damage via their jobs, relationships and beliefs hoping to overcome issue.

And those not so strong would..crack.  So we owe to our damages to try to help such people. We would love to have someone to help us defeat ours...


недеља, 13. мај 2018.

Put-downs

This will easily be THE most important thing I have ever wrote. It is one of the most important things I was thought and it's safe to say that it changed me dramatically.

I am not going to lie to you. This is hard.

I heard about this specific problem almost two years ago, and I have been hearing about its related problems before and after that. I am nowhere near of resolving this. I can't still help myself.  It is a poisonous, venomous thing in my, and our blood, that needs to be removed . Or it will devour us. From the inside.



Let me define it really quickly. Put-down is an act of humiliating someone. This definition is related to psychology, more accurately, to rankism. In some other disciplines, such as communications skills theory, put-down has the same meaning but is also related specifically to insulting someone, basing our insults on physical appearance of one being insulted.

Now that we know that, why is that important? Answer is- because we all do that.

I mention rankism above. At its core, rankism is assertion of superiority. It is, most of the time, done trough put-downs. We put people down so we can feel better.

Biologically speaking, it is in our nature.  Apes do it and so do we. Its biological root is in a very nature of humans- we are predators.  And not just any predators- we are at the top of the chain! We are always preying on others. Think about slavery. Think about colonization. Eye-popping examples, right? And those are just a two on the list that goes on.

Through rankism, we institutionalize predation. And then we justify it. We need an excuse because we do it. We put down, fulfilling our predator nature, and then we justify it. As colonizers or slavers once did.



We need to put down so we can feel safe, feel better and feel that threat is removed. Yes, we as predators want to remove threats and, unfortunately, predators prey on weak. Now think about other forms of rankism- racism, homophobia, sexism... Deep down, we feel threatened by those groups, so we go after them.

Yes, threatened. We aim to eliminate competition. We fix the game we are playing so that we can win. We, for instance,  did not want women as our competition, for better jobs for example. If there are less people, our chances are naturally bigger.



At this point, I am quite sure you understand why put-downs are bad. They are behind great evils that struck humanity.

There is no valid excuse for putting down(and as we saw, humanity does nothing but searching for excuses for abuse). Never should we put down, even if we think that someone deserves it.

And fortunately, humanity does find a way out. Weak become strong, unfortunately trough natural selection forced by abuse, but they do. They prevail. We have put an end to slavery, colonisation and many more forms of rankism, and we will continue to do so.

As an individuals, we should focus on ourselves.  We are the ones that need to stop to put down. To open our minds for diversity. For those that are weak and need help. That does not start with racism  or any other major social problem.

It ends there.

We first need to stop judging and insulting people based on physical look. Just think how hurtful that is- we judge a weight, clothes, height, skin color. Some of that we can change but big part of it we cannot. In essence, we are hurting someone and they can do nothing but feel bad because they cannot change that, at the moment or at all. Just picture yourself at the prom wearing an outfit prepared for months and someone calls you fat.

They ruined your night and that is the way we ruin someone's life. So avoid insulting physical look.



That is the start. Then you move on and one day, you are capable of understanding a bigger picture and why you are not supposed to judge skin color, sexual orientation, religion etc.

It is hard. We need to be better than others, we love rankings. It is tempting. And it is easy to find excuse. But try not to. You can be a victim one day. Predators among us understand how to prey and can hunt you down too. So try to understand your prey and to help them. Might feel better than hunting down.

Now that you know all of this, go and make a difference.  

петак, 06. април 2018.

The one

Is there only one love for us? Do we all get one real love in life that is bigger than the others? Does it make previous love we felt, or we thought we felt for that matter, false?
Do we, once we settle down with someone, settle down to think we will not find bigger love and that we have not ever felt love so big?

We do learn how to love. We do grow and we do mature, and the way we love does mature with us. Does is mean we have to mature to get happily ever after? Does that mean than strong love in immature age will not be as good as the one we could have later?

When do we think, "not one of them, the one"? And do all of us ever get to feel that? We do know it. We do know when it is real. Or, at least, we should. But when we know we have a real deal, what is it that happens to other real deals we thought we had?

One love per life might be too big for us. It may be too big to except. And some of us may not magically find it. Some of us might just build it.  Because love is built.  We build it with our family, our friends, our jobs and so can we with our lovers .

So, yeah, there is the one. The one love for job, friends, for partner. But only one just in manner of being unique. For each unique job or friend . Because we do build different connection and so we build a different, "the one" love.